Oct 8, 2014

I've Had Enough of Trying, I Want To Change

I've come to realize through a series of—let's call them unfortunate—events that I don't treat the people I most care about the way they deserve. I don't give them the love they deserve or the love they give to me in equal quantities back.

It took a new person coming into my life, falling in love with him, and having him call me out on it for me to realize the flaw in my attitude.

He's actually called me out several times. Several fights. Several almost break-ups...

It took all this for me to take a long, hard look at myself and realize I'm not worthy of all this love if this is how I react to it. If this is how I pay people back for it.

When he first called me out on it, I thought he was overreacting. That he didn't know me well enough to realize I'm a bit cold sometimes, even with the people I care about and love. I didn't give it another thought and chalked it up to a misunderstanding between two new people getting into a relationship.

The second time it happened, it felt like déjà vu. Actually, every other time since then has been a déjà vu experience. I keep making the same mistakes.

It's taken a lot of mistakes for me to own up to what I've been doing wrong. I treat people that are closest to me carelessly, and I don't realize I've done so before it's too late and feelings have already been hurt and the trust in the relationship has already been shattered.

I have to stop. I need to. For my sake and especially for all my loved ones' sakes.

This is a promise I'm making, on October 8th, 2014, to become a better person and not only say I love or care for people, but to actually show it to them. I want them to know how grateful I am for their love and that I return it.

Aug 3, 2014

Where Ever I'm With You

I'm finally home and I'm overwhelmed by so many bittersweet feelings.

On one hand, I get to finally see all my family, my friends, my boyfriend, after two and a half months without being able to see them. I missed them a whole damn lot and knowing they're all within reach again is a good feeling.

On the other hand, all the people I bonded with, shared unique experiences with during those months are now so far away. I know we won't all be in the same place at the same time again, which is pretty sad. As one of the guys said, I am in a state of "perpetual sadness."

Jul 21, 2014

In the Heights

It's been a while since I've written. Things have happened and things haven't happened but either way, I'm happy right now. I could say it's because I have feelings for someone that have been met halfway, but I wouldn't want to say that it's because of that. I'd like to say it's because I've been on an adventure.


Being in a city with so many people is overwhelming, especially since back home it's not crowded (which is something I love). I'm happier because everything's coming together and I feel like I have a chance of actually making something of myself in the future... and that makes me feel calmer and happier. Like I have more time to actually take advantage of what I have around me and all the open doors that are open and I once thought were closed, locked tight.

I only have 12 more days left in the city and I know I haven't done all I wanted to do over here, but I feel like I'm ready to go back home. I'm ready for what's to come and I believe this opportunity and experience will prepare me for a new part of my life where I am more in control of myself and my actions.

Mar 31, 2014

Hopefully

I'm going after what I want. No apologies and no regrets... hopefully.

Feb 22, 2014

Notes on Things to Write About

2.19.14

idea for writing

Lillith
Orpheus
W
hands
butts*

Synchronized

“If you were to press your heart close up against somebody else’s heart eventually your hearts will start beating at the same time. And two little babies in an incubator, their hearts will beat at the same time. Love that. So if you have somebody in your life that is prone to anxiety, like myself, and if you happen to be a calm person, you could come up and hug me heart to heart and my heart hopefully would slow to yours. And I just love that idea. Or maybe yours would speed up to mine. But either way, we’ll be there together.”

—   Andrea Gibson