Dec 27, 2014

Confused

I've got a whirlwind in my head.

A part of me just wants it to end. It fears my heart can't take any more of this back and forth. It's already starting to break. I'm not a fan of constant suffering. I'm about to give up.

The other half wants to keep fighting, to get through it. It thinks love is enough to fix this ugly thing that keeps getting between us.

I've changed and I'm unsure, sad, and tired. So tired.

Dec 26, 2014

Kicking Me When I'm Down

Oh, dear. I love you.

This week has been an ordeal for myself and my family and you've helped me get through it. We have much to discuss. We're on the edge of vanishing, disappearing, dissolving in this big, bad world and you think I don't care. How wrong you are.

I care too much about you. Enough that I'm losing myself a bit. Everything I do, I think of you. And that's not bad at all, thinking about you. Having the thought of you ever-present in the back of my mind... It's just that I think of you and all the bad things that could happen instead of the good ones.

I'm apparently always in the wrong. Everything I do is wrong. The things I want, the things I need. What I want and understand. Oh, what I understand. If I had a penny for every time I misunderstood something you said or wrote to me, I'd have no financial problems for the rest of my studies at least.

This is slowly hurting me, wearing me down.

If we love each other so much, why do we fight half of the time we're together? Is each one too much of a match in the headstrong department for the other? Each little fight tears me apart a bit more. Seven months of tearing and whining and suffering... along with smiles, declarations of love, and I'll-never-let-you-gos.

I think so much of a future with you that it breaks me to think I may have to face it without you.

I want so much to fix things but apparently I always choose the wrong place and the wrong time to do so. You're so important to me, but I feel like I've said that so much that you don't believe me anymore.

You're a part of me now. No matter what happens, I'll never be able to erase you from my heart. You'll always have a place in it. You have assured a place in me that no one will ever replace, my first love.

The thing is I don't want you to be replaced. I want you to be my last too.

If Past Me would be reading this, she'd think I was either very confused or a different person... Thing is, I have changed. I'm not the same girl I was before I met you and we got into a relationship together.

You've made me feel like shit today though. And that's making me think this twice.

Dec 14, 2014

Awful Sound

I feel like Eurydice.

If you look back, I'll be out of your grasp faster than my words would reach your ears.

Farewell.

Dec 10, 2014

Racing Through My Head

Time goes by extremely fast. It's kind of stupid that humans have invented this thing (time I mean) with the primary purpose of establishing some reference point I guess and ultimately time just fucks you over. I mean, time's purpose was to help us and yet we are constantly running out of it.

It's a human invention that has shackled us.

These last few months have ran past me as if it were a damn marathon, which really really sucks. I wanted to savor this semester, strange as it may be. Sure I had a really rough curriculum this time around which led to my academic demise (I admit defeat now as I have a Molecular Bio final tomorrow I have not wanted to study for as I am done with this shit and do not want to hear of it again). But, I really wanted to savor it because come January my boyfriend will move two hours away to another campus and I won't be able to see him every day as I have grown accustomed to since August began.

It's only two hours but I know those 120 minutes will take their toll. I just hope he and I will be strong enough to make it.

So, time. You suck.

Dec 8, 2014

Maybe

"Some people are just born with tragedy in their blood."

Oct 8, 2014

I've Had Enough of Trying, I Want To Change

I've come to realize through a series of—let's call them unfortunate—events that I don't treat the people I most care about the way they deserve. I don't give them the love they deserve or the love they give to me in equal quantities back.

It took a new person coming into my life, falling in love with him, and having him call me out on it for me to realize the flaw in my attitude.

He's actually called me out several times. Several fights. Several almost break-ups...

It took all this for me to take a long, hard look at myself and realize I'm not worthy of all this love if this is how I react to it. If this is how I pay people back for it.

When he first called me out on it, I thought he was overreacting. That he didn't know me well enough to realize I'm a bit cold sometimes, even with the people I care about and love. I didn't give it another thought and chalked it up to a misunderstanding between two new people getting into a relationship.

The second time it happened, it felt like déjà vu. Actually, every other time since then has been a déjà vu experience. I keep making the same mistakes.

It's taken a lot of mistakes for me to own up to what I've been doing wrong. I treat people that are closest to me carelessly, and I don't realize I've done so before it's too late and feelings have already been hurt and the trust in the relationship has already been shattered.

I have to stop. I need to. For my sake and especially for all my loved ones' sakes.

This is a promise I'm making, on October 8th, 2014, to become a better person and not only say I love or care for people, but to actually show it to them. I want them to know how grateful I am for their love and that I return it.