Dec 14, 2014

Awful Sound

I feel like Eurydice.

If you look back, I'll be out of your grasp faster than you my words would reach your ears.

Farewell.

Dec 10, 2014

Racing Through My Head

Time goes by extremely fast. It's kind of stupid that humans have invented this thing (time I mean) with the primary purpose of establishing some reference point I guess and ultimately time just fucks you over. I mean, time's purpose was to help us and yet we are constantly running out of it.

It's a human invention that has shackled us.

These last few months have ran past me as if it were a damn marathon, which really really sucks. I wanted to savor this semester, strange as it may be. Sure I had a really rough curriculum this time around which led to my academic demise (I admit defeat now as I have a Molecular Bio final tomorrow I have not wanted to study for as I am done with this shit and do not want to hear of it again). But, I really wanted to savor it because come January my boyfriend will move two hours away to another campus and I won't be able to see him every day as I have grown accustomed to since August began.

It's only two hours but I know those 120 minutes will take their toll. I just hope he and I will be strong enough to make it.

So, time. You suck.

Dec 8, 2014

Maybe

"Some people are just born with tragedy in their blood."

Oct 8, 2014

I've Had Enough of Trying, I Want To Change

I've come to realize through a series of—let's call them unfortunate—events that I don't treat the people I most care about the way they deserve. I don't give them the love they deserve or the love they give to me in equal quantities back.

It took a new person coming into my life, falling in love with him, and having him call me out on it for me to realize the flaw in my attitude.

He's actually called me out several times. Several fights. Several almost break-ups...

It took all this for me to take a long, hard look at myself and realize I'm not worthy of all this love if this is how I react to it. If this is how I pay people back for it.

When he first called me out on it, I thought he was overreacting. That he didn't know me well enough to realize I'm a bit cold sometimes, even with the people I care about and love. I didn't give it another thought and chalked it up to a misunderstanding between two new people getting into a relationship.

The second time it happened, it felt like déjà vu. Actually, every other time since then has been a déjà vu experience. I keep making the same mistakes.

It's taken a lot of mistakes for me to own up to what I've been doing wrong. I treat people that are closest to me carelessly, and I don't realize I've done so before it's too late and feelings have already been hurt and the trust in the relationship has already been shattered.

I have to stop. I need to. For my sake and especially for all my loved ones' sakes.

This is a promise I'm making, on October 8th, 2014, to become a better person and not only say I love or care for people, but to actually show it to them. I want them to know how grateful I am for their love and that I return it.

Sep 6, 2014

Aug 3, 2014

Where Ever I'm With You

I'm finally home and I'm overwhelmed by so many bittersweet feelings.

On one hand, I get to finally see all my family, my friends, my boyfriend, after two and a half months without being able to see them. I missed them a whole damn lot and knowing they're all within reach again is a good feeling.

On the other hand, all the people I bonded with, shared unique experiences with during those months are now so far away. I know we won't all be in the same place at the same time again, which is pretty sad. As one of the guys said, I am in a state of "perpetual sadness."